"Can't repeat the past?" he cried incredulously. "Why of course you can!"
F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
If you ask someone if they focus more on the past, present, or future, most will probably say the past or future. For some reason we just don't like to focus on what's happening right in front of us, right now, or maybe it's that the past and future are so distracting. The future holds so much to plan for: school, a career, life goals. And the past, well it's hard not to dwell on memories, conversations with people I might never see again...it can be positive, going over the past. But more often I can't forget about the negative parts: what I wish I could have said to my grandpa before he died, wanting to change my mind about sending my horse to be trained, wishing I had never said things to people who I've cut ties with or wishing I had said something that would have kept them with me.
But it can become destructive, running through all these moments that could have been. If you're learning from an old experience ("Well, that proved that nothing good happens after 2 AM...or 1", "...And that's one more reason I want to travel abroad again.") that's okay, it's even a good thing. But too often I just beat myself up over what I should have done differently; and if I dwell on the past too long I start to see almost everything I've ever done as a mistake. I could have said goodbye to my grandpa. My horse might still be alive. I wouldn't have opened up to people who then turned on me. I wouldn't have lost my best friend.
No, you can't repeat the past. And it hurts that you can't, especially if there's just one thing you could have changed if you had only thought how much you regret the outcome. But maybe that's the way things were meant to be. I hate thinking that all this destruction is somehow impacting my future in a good way; right now I can't see how any of it can possibly be a good thing. But maybe those people weren't supposed to be in my life, even if I would do anything to bring them back. Maybe I'll look back one day and realize I'm happier or at least better off for all those moments which nearly tore me apart.
Who knows. All I know is I have to live with my past, but not in it, and viewing it from a positive angle is better than regret.
