The blog I didn't want to write

I'm a failure.

I've thought this so many times in my life, in this year, in this month that it's not even a joke. Lost friends, missed job opportunities, failed dreams. 

The first time it happens, you kind of laugh it off and think "hey, you can't win them all." Second, third, fourth times it starts to rough you up, which is a good thing. But then that one failure hits you, the one that finally breaks you and leaves you crying in the dark.

What's even worse than the failure itself is that feeling of being so stupid to think that you could conquer this dream in the first place. Why would you even try if it was going to leave you looking like a fool who couldn't live up to her dreams?

I'm a failure. 

I never made it into the grad program I wanted. I didn't get to fulfill my dream of traveling and studying overseas. I spent a year after graduating with a lack of direction in my life. I applied to hundreds of jobs, and heard back from maybe 12.

I lost friendships I swore would be forever. I hated my body so much that I hit borderline anorexia. I spent three years trying to impress a guy who would never love me the way I hoped. I cut, abused my body, allowed people to walk all over me. I lost some of the most important role models, either physically or emotionally.

I fell, hit rock bottom more times than I can count. But why do we fall?

To pick ourselves back up. 

(Okay, that's Batman. But it's true.)

My life wouldn't be the same if I hadn't failed over and over. I wouldn't have achieved the goals I wanted through the grad program I set my heart on. Each failed job application and interview made me more determined that I'd nail the next. I ended up with a internship in the area I wanted to be since I started college, with more responsibility than most entry-level jobs offer.

I learned that not everyone is meant to remain in your life. That I am beautiful despite my flaws. That the people who truly love you, and will forever, are the ones who see you at your lowest points and still love you. That someday you have to accept that the parent, grandparent, best friend you wanted so hard to please isn't going to be there for you, and that's okay.

I've failed, I've fallen. But I'm a fighter, and I always will be.

Xoxo, Victoria