My Struggle with Body Image and Beauty

I've been hesitant to open on my struggle with body image and eating disorders, but after several people approached me with concern in these past two weeks alone, I feel the need to address the issue.

First off, let me say that I'm not upset with these people; in fact, quite the opposite. Thank you for your concern and offering encouragement for my struggle. You're the reason I'm opening up on this and allowing me to feel that I can speak out on this struggle.

I've dealt with body image issues since elementary school. The first time I was aware of hating my body was after being teased brutally by girls in my second grade class. At the time, I was extremely thin, and the bullying caused me to eat even less and become socially withdrawn. After one girl stood up in my defense, stating that she was the same weight as me, the teasing stopped, but I still saw myself as ugly. That image followed me through middle school and high school, up till I began taking dance as a college freshman. In dance, we were encouraged to see all our individual bodies as beautiful, and that a dancer's body was not determined by size but by our movements.

Consequently, I was in the best physical shape when I was dancing. I was toned (daily stretches and exercises to learn new steps will do that to you), and although I was still slender I wasn't skinny. I didn't have a gaunt face or protruding bones. I looked healthy. Everything about my body looked normal.

But I didn't want normal. Like so many girls in this culture I had been damaged by images of flab-free models and impossible body measurements. One of my favorite models, Miranda Kerr, measures at 117 lbs and 34-24-34 for bust, waist and hips, and she was my role model up until recently (well, until she left Orlando Bloom). And for some reason I was convinced that being around 127 lbs with a 26 inch waist was overweight. Go figure.

Well, I can honestly say I weigh less than Miranda. (I'm not going to say how much less.) But the consequences haven't made me into the person I admired, and I should have been aware of that. Now, eating what I used to consider a healthy diet is a struggle. It's opened my eyes to the fact that being skinny isn't synonymous with being beautiful. Rather, it can detract from it. Extreme skinniness causes me physical pain, low self-confidence and anxiety. It's made me question my ability to live up to my goals in dreams in life.

I often heard of girls like me who are body-shamed by those closest to them: family, friends, significant others. I'm grateful to say that I've never experienced this. I've received amazing support from my mom, my teenage brother, my boyfriend and friends. Their support is what drives me to recover from this disorder, and I'm so thankful for them being in my life.

Everyday is a new step in recovering my confidence and health. Some days are better than others, and I have to keep encouraging myself to see the bad days just as I do the good ones: with the realization that I will gain the confidence to see myself as beautiful, because it's all about the person inside the body, not the size. 

Follow Me To...

Hello readers!

Summer is almost upon us (doesn't feel like it to me, but it's so close!) and I'm starting to compile a list of places to go now that my traveling companions are nearly finished their semesters.

Of course, as an avid travel lover, it's so hard for me to narrow down all the places I want to go. Plus there's the whole work commitment, financial limitations, blah, blah, blah...essentially, I'm trying to be realistic here, so the European tour and cross-country road trip are going to have to go on hold for a little while.

I'm mainly looking for day/weekend trips throughout the DMV region (or anywhere in Virginia for that matter)....and I'm looking at you for suggestions!

Tell me what places you love in Virginia, DC and the surrounding areas, or if your favorite destination is more than a day trip away share your most money-saving savvy tips on how to travel there!

And to thank you all, here are some of my favorite hidden attractions in Virginia:

Roosevelt Island


This spot of wilderness is in the middle of the Potomac between DC and Rosslyn. Of course, how can such a place exist in the middle of DC? I was amazed when hiking through the island's overgrown trails to see metropolitan buildings rising over the border of the Potomac and hearing the roar of the occasional plane overhead. It's a great way to get away for a hike when out for a day of memorial hopping through DC, plus you get to see a massive memorial to Theodore Roosevelt built in the center of the island!

Swannandoa Castle


Just off I-64 in Afton, this Italianate mansion is stunning despite years of neglect, and tours are frequently offered through the castle and the surrounding grounds. I have not been here personally, but I've heard a lot of great stories from friends and co-workers and am definitely making a trip this summer (anyone down?). The pictures of both architecturally beautiful and chills-down-your-spine creepy, especially the watchtower in the back which looks like a convenient place to lock up captured prisoners.

Occoquan


Located on the Occoquan that borders Prince William County in Northern Virginia, this sweet downtown setting is completely removed from the surrounding suburbs. Occoquan is ideal for a casual stroll for summer afternoons, complete with small shops like a dog bakery and wine shop. A dock also offers boat (and paddleboat, I think!) rentals. Plus, cute townhouses that I'm trying to convince my boyfriend would be perfect for a DC commute without being overwhelmed by NoVa's suburbs...

 
Charlottesville Wine Country

I love vineyard hopping, and the Charlottesville region offers some of the most beautiful vineyards and sumptuous wines I've ever tasted. My personal favorites are Jefferson, Trump (no comment about the political candidate) First Colony and Blenheim, and Blenheim in particular has a gorgeous view of the vineyard and mountains. The best part about this particular region is that you can hit five or more vineyards in a single afternoon while still hitting up the Downtown Mall for a lunch break.

And outside of Virginia...Thames Street, Baltimore

During spring break of senior year, my two best girls and I spent two days in Baltimore, intending to visit the aquarium, but at $40 a person, blew off sea animals to go shopping. That night, we walked from our hotel to Thames Street for mango margaritas and Irish coffees by the waterfront. Early March temperatures made this walk brutal, but summer would have made those high heels and sleeveless dresses way more comfortable. I recommend On the Horse You Came in On and Tir na nOg Irish pub and bar for delicious crab and rude Irish waiters. ;)
 
I look forward to hearing your favorite day trip destinations, and hope you'll try out some of these!

xoxo,
Victoria

Five Truths of Self Love

Prior to meeting my boyfriend, a lot of people told me, "You can't love someone else before you love yourself."

I never took this comment well because a) all said people were already in relationships (some of them not successful ones) and b) I've never been really good at loving myself.

On the surface, I might not seem like it. I'm a fashion addict (most days anyway), laugh a lot and obsess over espresso and Doctor Who fan theories. I have a boyfriend who adores me, friends who I can trust and count on, and a rescue cat who gives me undivided love and affection. I have parents who encourage me to take risks and write (even if they don't look forward to my leaving the nest officially).

Despite all this support and encouragement from those around me, I feel lost. I feel like I've failed my parents, professors and those who believed in my writing abilities. Most of all, I feel like I've failed myself. When I look at the future, it's so hard to see beyond the life of a starving writer who survives on espresso and the occasional sushi binge.

And for that, I felt I wasn't worthy of love, especially not my own.

It took a lot to regain that self love, especially after eroding myself emotionally and physically. I toyed with the idea of counselling, but I wasn't ready. I knew this change couldn't come from a professional, it had to come from within.

In these past few months, I've made a sincere effort to try loving myself as a person and individual. Here's what I discovered.

1) Self-loathing won't get you anywhere.

Constructive criticism, where you look at a previous situation and strive to do better is one thing. But to look back on past mistakes or slip-ups and hate yourself for what happened is in no way helpful. This type of criticism won't make you a better person; it will only distort your self image to the point where it becomes despair. You feel like there is no hope because of those past mistakes, and so what's the point in trying to do better?

2) Sometimes you have to think of yourself first.

This one is particularly hard for me because I try to justify other peoples' actions by giving them the benefit of the doubt, whether it's a moody co-worker or one of the many guys who hurt me in the past. I don't think empathy is a bad thing, but I often walk that fine line between being sympathetic and giving into other people when I don't necessarily feel comfortable where that puts me. Learning to say no and look out for my own happiness. I know that will sometimes mean disappointing other people, and that alone makes me uncomfortable, but when I catch a glimpse of what truly makes me happy and at peace with myself I have to take the steps to materialize that peace into my own life.

3) Establish role models who will make you a better, happier person. 

With an internship in the fashion industry, I get images of thinner-than-Barbie models in gorgeous clothes made for women a size 2 or 4 sent to me for review. Although the models are not the center of focus, their waif-life proportions burned into my self loathing and took a dangerous toll on me. It took the harsh reality that copying this physicality wasn't helping me as a person; rather, it hurt me. I began to look towards writers who started off much as I am now, directionless and passionate about storytelling, and following their steps as a writer.

4) Embrace your passions.

I let go of my passion as a creative writer because I felt my work wasn't worth the time of readers. But once I did that, the enjoyment that came from writing and that brought satisfaction into my life began to die. Picking up the pen again and writing down what I felt, researching the topics I wanted to better explain to my readers brought that enthusiasm back into my life. The only one who determines whether your work (whether it be writing or another hobby) is worth something to someone else is you. If you cultivate your passion, it really will pay off.

5) See yourself as others see you.

I became so bogged down by my negatives that I failed to see the qualities other people saw in me. At my lowest point, the rock bottom that forced me to climb up, I thought, "If I have a boyfriend who loves me, then I've got to be worth something." I read through his letters, recalled the times I spent with girlfriends and family, trying to grasp who was this girl that people loved and admired and how could I find her in myself?

Ultimately I'm still in the process, but realizing these truths drive me forward everyday and make me believe in, and love myself, as a person.