My Struggle with Body Image and Beauty

I've been hesitant to open on my struggle with body image and eating disorders, but after several people approached me with concern in these past two weeks alone, I feel the need to address the issue.

First off, let me say that I'm not upset with these people; in fact, quite the opposite. Thank you for your concern and offering encouragement for my struggle. You're the reason I'm opening up on this and allowing me to feel that I can speak out on this struggle.

I've dealt with body image issues since elementary school. The first time I was aware of hating my body was after being teased brutally by girls in my second grade class. At the time, I was extremely thin, and the bullying caused me to eat even less and become socially withdrawn. After one girl stood up in my defense, stating that she was the same weight as me, the teasing stopped, but I still saw myself as ugly. That image followed me through middle school and high school, up till I began taking dance as a college freshman. In dance, we were encouraged to see all our individual bodies as beautiful, and that a dancer's body was not determined by size but by our movements.

Consequently, I was in the best physical shape when I was dancing. I was toned (daily stretches and exercises to learn new steps will do that to you), and although I was still slender I wasn't skinny. I didn't have a gaunt face or protruding bones. I looked healthy. Everything about my body looked normal.

But I didn't want normal. Like so many girls in this culture I had been damaged by images of flab-free models and impossible body measurements. One of my favorite models, Miranda Kerr, measures at 117 lbs and 34-24-34 for bust, waist and hips, and she was my role model up until recently (well, until she left Orlando Bloom). And for some reason I was convinced that being around 127 lbs with a 26 inch waist was overweight. Go figure.

Well, I can honestly say I weigh less than Miranda. (I'm not going to say how much less.) But the consequences haven't made me into the person I admired, and I should have been aware of that. Now, eating what I used to consider a healthy diet is a struggle. It's opened my eyes to the fact that being skinny isn't synonymous with being beautiful. Rather, it can detract from it. Extreme skinniness causes me physical pain, low self-confidence and anxiety. It's made me question my ability to live up to my goals in dreams in life.

I often heard of girls like me who are body-shamed by those closest to them: family, friends, significant others. I'm grateful to say that I've never experienced this. I've received amazing support from my mom, my teenage brother, my boyfriend and friends. Their support is what drives me to recover from this disorder, and I'm so thankful for them being in my life.

Everyday is a new step in recovering my confidence and health. Some days are better than others, and I have to keep encouraging myself to see the bad days just as I do the good ones: with the realization that I will gain the confidence to see myself as beautiful, because it's all about the person inside the body, not the size.