I never took this comment well because a) all said people were already in relationships (some of them not successful ones) and b) I've never been really good at loving myself.
On the surface, I might not seem like it. I'm a fashion addict (most days anyway), laugh a lot and obsess over espresso and Doctor Who fan theories. I have a boyfriend who adores me, friends who I can trust and count on, and a rescue cat who gives me undivided love and affection. I have parents who encourage me to take risks and write (even if they don't look forward to my leaving the nest officially).
Despite all this support and encouragement from those around me, I feel lost. I feel like I've failed my parents, professors and those who believed in my writing abilities. Most of all, I feel like I've failed myself. When I look at the future, it's so hard to see beyond the life of a starving writer who survives on espresso and the occasional sushi binge.
And for that, I felt I wasn't worthy of love, especially not my own.
It took a lot to regain that self love, especially after eroding myself emotionally and physically. I toyed with the idea of counselling, but I wasn't ready. I knew this change couldn't come from a professional, it had to come from within.
In these past few months, I've made a sincere effort to try loving myself as a person and individual. Here's what I discovered.
1) Self-loathing won't get you anywhere.
Constructive criticism, where you look at a previous situation and strive to do better is one thing. But to look back on past mistakes or slip-ups and hate yourself for what happened is in no way helpful. This type of criticism won't make you a better person; it will only distort your self image to the point where it becomes despair. You feel like there is no hope because of those past mistakes, and so what's the point in trying to do better?
2) Sometimes you have to think of yourself first.
This one is particularly hard for me because I try to justify other peoples' actions by giving them the benefit of the doubt, whether it's a moody co-worker or one of the many guys who hurt me in the past. I don't think empathy is a bad thing, but I often walk that fine line between being sympathetic and giving into other people when I don't necessarily feel comfortable where that puts me. Learning to say no and look out for my own happiness. I know that will sometimes mean disappointing other people, and that alone makes me uncomfortable, but when I catch a glimpse of what truly makes me happy and at peace with myself I have to take the steps to materialize that peace into my own life.
3) Establish role models who will make you a better, happier person.
With an internship in the fashion industry, I get images of thinner-than-Barbie models in gorgeous clothes made for women a size 2 or 4 sent to me for review. Although the models are not the center of focus, their waif-life proportions burned into my self loathing and took a dangerous toll on me. It took the harsh reality that copying this physicality wasn't helping me as a person; rather, it hurt me. I began to look towards writers who started off much as I am now, directionless and passionate about storytelling, and following their steps as a writer.
4) Embrace your passions.
I let go of my passion as a creative writer because I felt my work wasn't worth the time of readers. But once I did that, the enjoyment that came from writing and that brought satisfaction into my life began to die. Picking up the pen again and writing down what I felt, researching the topics I wanted to better explain to my readers brought that enthusiasm back into my life. The only one who determines whether your work (whether it be writing or another hobby) is worth something to someone else is you. If you cultivate your passion, it really will pay off.
5) See yourself as others see you.
I became so bogged down by my negatives that I failed to see the qualities other people saw in me. At my lowest point, the rock bottom that forced me to climb up, I thought, "If I have a boyfriend who loves me, then I've got to be worth something." I read through his letters, recalled the times I spent with girlfriends and family, trying to grasp who was this girl that people loved and admired and how could I find her in myself?
Ultimately I'm still in the process, but realizing these truths drive me forward everyday and make me believe in, and love myself, as a person.
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