I'm not going into a soul-bearing testimony because this is pretty much the worst place I could do it. But over the last couple years I've come to realize that I'm not the only person who is facing a struggle to keep their head up every day and I know it's not healthy to go it alone.
I honestly believe that each individual goes through their own period of feeling alone or otherwise rejected, misunderstood, etc. at some point in their lives. As an introvert, I feel that the struggle is more common, not because extroverts don't encounter these same struggles but because introverts tend to keep more to themselves. Although this quality makes for many positive traits and decisions, holding in feelings of insecurities or pain only increases the negative effect on the individual.
Several of my insecurities date back to elementary school, but my internal struggle really began shortly before college. High school is a tough time anyway; I was unsure of which friends I could truly count on, was going through my first major heartache and was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my future. Because of personal issues within my family, I felt even more uncomfortable opening up to my parents about what I was going through. So instead of talking to anyone, I kept all the pain unsaid and unshared.
Living at college provided a huge boost of confidence for me, overall. I met new people, some who shared my views, others who didn't, but most of whom were open-minded and responsive to the opinions of others. It was during university that I developed more confidence in my writing, which compelled me to reveal some of the issues I was going through under the label of "Fictional Prose." Of course nothing is perfect and I still encountered people who ended up hurting me deeply. But for every such encounter I had at least one amazingly supportive friend to which I could pour out my stress. I explored different avenues for stress relief (most of them physical activity) such as dance, zumba and kickboxing, as well as more spiritually in-tune activities like adoration.
After graduating this past spring, I had to leave many of these anxiety-crushers behind me and return to the environment where many of these insecurities began. At least now I'm better prepared to face these struggles again. I have four years of confidence-building experience behind me, as well as an amazing boyfriend and many great girlfriends who I know have got my back. But coming back was more difficult than I anticipated, especially coming face to face with my old nemesis, the fear of rejection.
I guess for me personally it's a sense of pride. I want people to see me as a strong woman who has her life together, her goals set, and sure, the road may be rocky but doesn't everyone go through that from time to time? I feel that if the people closest to me see me at my low points: weak, frightened of what might go wrong in the future, unable to obtain my ambitions, they'll reject me without even meaning to. In high school I closed myself off, ignored the fact that the problems were becoming deeper and hid behind a mask called Positivity.
Entering into a relationship with the best guy I know really forced me to open up, which isn't easy at all. With my girlfriends it wasn't too hard. Eventually it would come out over a chick flick night, we'd talk for hours and I knew I could count on them to be good listeners whenever I needed to pour it out. I've found it's different with a guy, especially with the one who can pick up on our best attempts at faking happiness. And once I open up to him, he's not going to let it go without finding a solution to the issue.
I was in the middle of texting my boyfriend the other night when I had a relapse with a particular struggle. Rather than telling him up front, I went through with my emotions and ended up doing some stupid stuff. I didn't want to worry him. But when I couldn't keep in afterward and told him what happened he wasn't upset that I had done something regrettable. He couldn't understand why I had kept it to myself when he was right there. "It's okay when you need alone time. I understand that," he told me. "But if it gets to that point you have to recognize that alone time is not what you need despite what you're feeling."
If there was anything good that came out of that relapse it was my boyfriend's response to it. He didn't interrogate me as to why I did or or get angry with me for my actions. I realized that there would never be a point when I would truly be alone. Whether it's my boyfriend, my mom (who I opened up to later that night) or my best friends, I have to ignore my tendency to keep it all within and open up to those who love me most.
The idea behind this blog isn't as much to reveal my own struggles as to show awareness that this is happening to thousands of men, women, young adults, teenagers everywhere. Maybe you're reading this and recognizing a similar grip on your life. Don't hold it in like I did for so long. If you know someone who's going through these issues reach out to them and help them realize they're not alone. I thought that the strength of the individual was the way to overcoming weakness, but really (sorry for the cliche, but it's true) it's the love of other people who aren't willing to let you struggle alone.
"You don't have to put up a fight; you don't have to always be right; let me take some of the punches for you
tonight." - U2
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